People are *Blinking* Complicated

     I'm annoyed tonight. For all the good things that are going on in my life and for all I'm trying to accomplish... people still confound me.

Stirring the Pot

     I am no sharp specimen of perfect humanness, and wouldn't dare pretend to be. I try my best, that's all. I was perfectly prepared to go into a rant about it all, but have deemed it unnecessary. Why stir the stupid pot?!

    I think in times like these I really miss being able to *talk* to people, heart to heart. Part of why I became a Communication Major was because I didn't feel like I could communicate with people well (and I DO mean that whole sending and receiving messages part). Alas, I'm only a little better now at communicating, and no less lonely.

     I think my biggest problem is that I feel like I'm pretty straightforward about who I am, and what I want (I'm really not that good at faking it anyway). People nod and smile, recognize me for a few things (some of them resent me for it, btw thanks for that :P )... but I'm so busy I don't ever have time to actually connect. I'm a train with no breaks; I have a goal and the best I can do is try to convince people to hop on with me for a while. I promise, I'm not going "no-where" but it sure isn't going to be a luxury ride. And a lot of my friends have just flat out moved. In a military town sometimes you lose really good friends to a deployment or permanent settlement elsewhere. And, well, all my Kerouac days left many of my friends scattered to the winds, dead, or recovering addicts lost to themselves.

my bad, forgot to site my source

     I think I'll be happy one day, when I'm "done" (whatever that means). I have this vision of me sitting back with a nice fruity drink by a beach somewhere exotic. I look better than I ever have, because I've had time to rest (and time to hire a personal trainer). I'm in organic hippie paradise, but only because I'm as rich as Oprah and can pay someone else to do my composting. But it's all a farce because I'm not sure I'll ever be able to sit still (not to mention becoming as rich as Oprah is just crazy talk).

     Life is just one of those things you probably never "get." As I can only try my best, I can only HOPE for the best (and pray). As I mentioned in my French blog, my life is like dark chocolate: sometimes sweet, often bitter... but it's chocolate so it's all good, right?

     But it's like I tell my kids, "no matter how GOOD you should know you have it... it's okay to have a shitty day" (okay, so maybe I don't say it quite that way). You can't just hide it away. You can't just pretend you're not feeling crappy, or that trends in your life haven't left you scars... but you can never let that stop you. You can't erase the scars, they're memories - a reminder to do it right next time. You won't be able to live the rest of your life with only good days, so wallow in it a little and then get over it for a while.

Another bad day will come along.

Followed by a good one.

    And so, tomorrow I'll do what I need to do. Drag myself up a bit (or not if it's still gloomy and raining) and remind myself where I'm going. I'll tithe better (personal goal), shore up the weak spots, and work on balance. Most important is finding God. I have this theory that if I can get to know him better, it just won't matter anymore who I think should be in my life, because God will have put the right ones there.