Socializing is about reputations and, heavens!, lately I've developed one.... I hear I'm pretty "busy" lately. By no means is that the worst reputation I've had, so I dont know why it gets under my skin.
In my world, I try to never be too busy for anyone! Unfortunately I'm learning, that being available to everyone makes you too busy for everyone also. That's part of those catch 22's of life.
I have to say that I'm proud that when I say "I'm too busy" a healthy portion of that is because I'm too busy with my family. Sure I have to squeeze in school work and a few social obligations, but family and God are still hitting in those top 1-2 priority spots.
housework has... um, fallen by the wayside a bit though.
I'm proud of everything I'm doing. It's frantic and difficult at times. I wish I had more time to be with my girls in a fun way, but with our struggles, that is not a new problem. I can say though that I am there for my kiddos, I'm able to get them to most of those birthday parties, read bedtime stories, help with homework, talk to them about the BIG things and transport them wherever they may need to go.
I think what makes me feel crummy though is that I've had a harder time maintaining my good friendships even though I've been more "social." (And I guess at this point it's important to define social as: making new contacts, being available for school and personal obligations and more present in the community) I LOVE my friends who understand and are sticking by me... even if I hear the annoyance sometimes, they never slam me with missed phone calls or belated congratulations/wishes etc. :) To them I say you were on my mind this Thanksgiving and even when I'm "not there" I am always thinking of you.
I don't know why I feel the need to justify my busy-ness, I think like so many things I just put the pressure on myself to always be on. I knew I was going to have to make sacrifices going back to school and I had to make sacrifices when I got married and started a family (like it's just not feasible to make it out all the time)... but there are so many things I'd rather be known for than BUSY. My hope is that the people who have used that word to describe me lately can see that my involvements are not some kind of useless distraction, but that I am truly trying to make a difference in my community, in myself, and FOR my family.
I spent my years wandering aimelessly, I spent my time working "for the man," I've wasted my time writting novels trying to self-define, but what I'm doing now is preparation for much greater things (I hope).
But more important than all those things is that I spend any extra available time with my husband and my two lovely girls and that if that's what's distracting me, I'd rather have it that way than any other!
*this blog took over 1 month to complete... I was too "busy" for it also :D
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