Do-Over!!!

Life is a truly funny thing. Some people say you can't have do-overs in life, but I'm beginning to think that's not true. To illustrate this we have to go back a little over 10 years, to when I first went off to college.

Rejected from the college I wanted to attend for a major in communications (by my own nervous screw ups on my essay, mind you), I began a tumultuous experience at Boston University. I wanted to try my hand at visual arts, but instead of declaring a major I went in “Undecided,” mostly because my dad told me “art wasn’t a career, it’s a hobby. You’re going to need a day job.” (And he’s right, but to this day I think that’s something I could have figured out on my own without that sense of rejection) Things were not good in my home life, I had been having issues with my long-term boyfriend, and though things began well at University I was soon challenged by routine, responsibility, and getting work in on time. Now that’s not particularly odd, many students face similar challenges going to school for the first time. Where things differed for me were in several unusual and pretty awful experiences.

My roommate at BU was, according to her, 16 years old. She was immature and I’m pretty sure she lied a lot. While we got along at first she began to create problems, start drama, and get into my stuff. I went the route of talking to our floor reps and ultimately got a roommate change. Because of this I think people assumed I was a drama maker, not someone who tried to avoid it… so when I saw a man looking over my shower wall very late one night, I got minimal response. I filed a police report but was told it wasn’t possible for anyone to get past the guards. No one interviewed the guys on the floors above and below us. When it happened again, and I went banging on the doors of our RA’s no one even answered me. A third time, I just gave up. I was lucky and I’m angry that no one listened because the year after I left a girl was raped in our dorm; a man had been gaining access to the building through a backdoor that didn’t completely lock.

So with that horrible experience under my belt compounded by the other problems I was experiencing I did begin to make poor decisions. Mostly I was out late at night, but that wasn’t unusual… it’s just easier to find trouble in big cities late at night. One of those evenings I was hiking up to Deli Haus with a friend and was entering a crosswalk when the light turned red. My friend stopped and went back to the sidewalk; I thought I was too far in the intersection so I began to run forward towards the other side. Unfortunately the cab pulling out of the gas station 40 feet up either didn’t see me, didn’t care, or thought I was going to make it to the sidewalk too… and he hit me going about 35mph. It’s funny I can still remember seeing his passenger flailing his arms. They stopped in the middle of the intersection and then left. I was done reporting things so I just limped on to Deli Haus. Eventually I got it looked at and while there was no major damage, I still have a bum knee today.

After that it was domino’s. I got sick with the flu, then got mono. With mono I was so sick I couldn’t move. I don’t think I ate, I slept all day and didn’t make it to classes. I broke up with my boyfriend, cut off all my hair, found a new boyfriend that dumped me pretty severely, fell out with my parents, had to find a job… I was about as alone as I could be and felt like I didn’t have a home to go to. This was the beginning of another rather long story so we’ll just skip to weird coincidences.
To me, the similarities of this downward spiral and what I experienced in returning to college is uncanny. My journey actually began with illness and the death of a peer. Feeling like my own time was running out to get things done, I felt like it was important to finish my degree and prove to my kids how important it is. I suffered my first semester with lingering pain, but pushed through. There was an odd sense of “I’ve done this before”… but this time I excelled.

Spring semester last year, I had a repeat of the peeping tom incident. After PE, I went to dress out in the bathroom at the gym. No one was in there, or so I thought. I won’t elaborate too much, but once I was done I came to discover there had been someone crouched in the stall next to mine. I reported it, and even though no one was caught the teacher searched the bathrooms and told other teachers. I hope they’ll continue to be smart about it. It’s sad to say I actually struggled with whether or not I should report it, but I remembered the girl at my old dorm and had to. As for me, again it’s pretty sad that my only reaction was “Jeez, not again.” I guess it’s telling of my desensitization to the bad humans can do.

And the car… I felt a weird cosmic release today. On my mind lately has been the cab incident. My college was moved downtown where cars and students zip down Broadway. I have just “known” I was going to get hit again, a repeat of last time. And in the parking lot of a Publix today, the bag attendant stopped me as a truck was backing up. I didn’t get hit! I can still here her voice saying “watch out” and it kind of echoes in that way that is significant to life and circumstance. Maybe this do-over is about undoing the silence from my walking partner so long ago.
I think most important of all is now I have family. Even with my natal family we have worked through troubles and they are incredibly supportive of what I’m doing now. I’m not alone because I have my husband and kids with me. To add to the fulfillment, I am not only accepted by my peers but some of them actually like me and want to hang out with me. Teachers are recognizing me for my hard work and I’m being rewarded for it through other opportunities. I’m involved in my school and making positive changes here in Columbus (which is another do-over)

I hate it for young me that life had to be so hard. And there is the oddest sensation of feeling like I have literally come full circle; standing in the same spot I began at with the ability to change it this time. I know this was a long and semi-gritty story, but it’s really been on my mind a lot lately, and so much of what I am experiencing now feels God guided. God may be the biggest do-over of all. When I began all this I had rejected God, had no faith in Christianity and “didn’t get Jesus.” I do now, and I think the change in how my experiences have gone this time around is indicative of the positive influence of Christ, Faith, and the Church.

So thanks to God, to the girl who saved me from being tapped by a truck today, and my family for making this time around a much better experience.