What it takes to give your heart

At the near end if this 10 day journey, I know I've changed. I fear a little bit that when we get back to routine I'll forget in the waves of activity and habit what it is I feel, so I'm going to try to write about it. That being said, I'm not sure I can adequately describe this across cultures and ideals... But hey, it's worth a shot.

I spent 7 days ALONE. Even when people were around, I was so consumed with my schedule, I couldn't focus. I made mistakes that *I do not make*! I fell asleep before midnight, I barely cooked dinner. I couldn't catch up on work, kids, chores, packing- anything- because there was never enough time. I forgot a lot. I cried, and very easily at that.

Last Thursday was a special kind of hell, all that, science class, and no lunch. I just did what I had to do because it's all I could do. I think sometime last week I started forgetting to eat. I felt miserable and wasted because I missed Phil and just didn't care or have the energy to take care of myself. 

 I suppose all this was compounded by a few months worth of stress and arguments. It just happens in a marriage. You get busy, it seems like no one's helping so you swear you can do it all better on your own. I'm sure when we butted heads he felt similarly... Then, one day, he was gone before I woke up to do something I didn't fully understand with no way to be sure of reaching him if I needed him.

I realized within the first 48 hours that I needed him, maybe even the first 24. Then I sobbed because I realized I'd taken him for granted. I began to feel weak. I have almost never felt weak. In the weakness came this desire to succumb, biblically maybe?  I just wanted to give up, and like a child, have someone make it better. You have to understand that these were feelings I gave up a long time ago. I made myself hard and strong, because I had to.

But in this experience I melted. When I was taken to see my husband Friday, I couldn't embrace him - he was not my husband but Pra Phil, a monk with no attachments. It felt like I knew him but he was different. He looked the same, but different. Honestly, I was scared to death of doing something wrong or accidentally touching him (resulting in a lengthy cleansing ritual that I didn't want to be the cause of) and so I was rigid and nervous. The next couple of times we spoke, he sounded soft and distant but caring.

Every hour has felt like days at a time, mostly because so much is going on (and I still don't speak enough Thai to talk to everyone).  Somewhere along the way I got used to calling him pra Phil and was an eensy bit more relaxed; I got used to bowing, trying not to make eye contact too long (don't think it was a rule but I felt I was bordering on rude smiling at him too much), not referring to him as "dad" in front of the kids, and wai'ing during blessings. Today, at the house blessing things became dramatically different. The morning was cold and wet and the poor monks had to walk barefoot in it. People were taking photos of them like they were rock stars as they came down the street, women bustled to get offerings ready. It was chaos. But as I watched each cold footed monk come in and have his feet washed and blotted with hot towels, and as I gave offerings to each monk and watched my girls (led by their cousin) give offerings to pra Phil, I realized exactly how serious this event was. I found a deep intense respect for the man who was and will be my husband. 

By the time we were on our hands and knees throwing flower petals before the monks as they walked cold and wet footed back down the driveway to begin the several mile journey back to the temple, I realized that I had not stood above pra Phil the whole time. I think there is an allegory in that; maybe I rise too far above my husband at times and that is why we fought - maybe I didn't treat him with enough respect? Maybe he didn't treat me as his nong (little) or give the blessings and focus we needed when the power was in his hands. Maybe it is my job to "fill his bowl" with good dinners and things? So many things to think consider in the relationship parallels.

I just know that I am acutely aware that I do need him. HIM - just Phil. I can't wait to talk with him again. 

And I don't count this as a win for my "strength." I was already pulling the superstar routine; I proved myself several times and was proud to set the bar higher. This time I found my breaking point, and no one will ever understand how broken that felt.