The Times They Are a Changin'

      I faltered somewhere. Maybe it was in taking a break this summer. Maybe I extended myself too much in the first place. I didn't expect to rise to the top, especially when I've been firmly convinced of my mediocrity; but, still, it's hard to stop those nice warm fuzzy feelings when others believe in you and praise your for your accomplishments.

Image by Dennis Maitland from CBS.News. View from the top.

.... until someone takes you down a few pegs.

    I am aware of the notion that there's always someone better at what you do: an "expert" (I scarcely call myself one), and we've just had a few new members added to our existing department team that qualify under that title. I must confess, I've never been comfortable with the notion that students in our department have as much power as we do... and yet I accepted that power and responsibility once it was given to me. So, when things changed and the expert came on board to tell me my work is "great, really... but it's dated," or suddenly dumps the entire program I built, I found it was easy to feel a little down on myself in the last couple of weeks.

... not to mention I found myself confused, frustrated, and asking an awful lot of questions.

       As a communication major I know that everyone communicates differently. Some people are more blunt than others, and you have to try not to let the blunt responses take you down too far when they use language that may not be conveying what one believes is an appropriate message; but I can't help but feel that because the same message keeps coming up (sounding harshly like, "your work is sub par and that's why I'm here"), that maybe there's something to that message (or the messenger).

     It's making me nervous because I never claimed to be an expert... a social media specialist (ok, fine I used that term once on LinkedIn, but that was only after I looked up the criteria for a job position I had)... but I'm playing the role of one now. I'm about to be paid to do the job of one. Now is not the time to let my confidence hit a brick wall... I'm about to have a contractual obligation... I can't be a fraud! I thought I could do this.

     I'm stuck in this terrible position of no longer having confidence in what I have achieved, and knowing that I've come this far and must go forward. I can't quit just because I feel like $#*^!

       But I am questioning whether or not I'm really a leader. I realized the other day that maybe I'm only a "leader" because I'm willing to take on obligations others won't. Maybe I'm only a leader simply because I don't turn work down. You can see that delegation, resolve, and confidence aren't my forte. So if I just get things done, am I still a leader? My gut says no.

     I've got a lot of conflicting feelings in the face of change. I attempted to make a difference as I know how (standing up for individuals who weren't speaking up for themselves, which usually amounts to my throwing myself under a bus), but I have to let that go now, because I feel like I've been "put in my place."

   I always go by my gut and I felt the harshness coming before the semester started, it was just something in the wind. Change is never comfortable and "the times they are a changing..."

So what am I going to do? Whenever I hurt on something like this, I always try to think of whether or not I've done the same. It's a perspective thing... realizing I may have usurped a project, or said something that was taken the wrong way allows me to see the situation as a possible mistake... nothing personal. I KNOW that I've done those things so I can only be humble about it and forgive the person who's hurt my feelings the way I hope others forgive me.

 And I'm going to try to keep my head, mostly getting it back to the warm fuzzy place, because ultimately my confidence or lack thereof is my personal issue. I'd like to keep moving upwards, but if I get capped because my skills aren't equivalent to my peers in a professional world, then I need to hear it. Life is about determining when you need to push forward or change paths. I don't want to stop loving where I'm at, but this semester hurts a little more than others just because of time spent on projects that suddenly look nothing like what I started or ended with.

Exhaustion also can make you see things the wrong way. I could just be wearing myself too thin... and I definitely shouldn't have had that glass of wine before I started writing...