My past is kind of complicated... I'm sure I'm not the only one that thinks that about themselves. I've spent a lot of time convincing myself I must be one of those people who need a difficult time to learn stuff... or one of those people that just has a harder lot. I've almost completely believed that this life is paying it forward... except for some days when I don't believe it at all. I'm feeling kind of raw tonight, so I apologize if I come across in any way negative... unfortunately that's what I'm feeling.
So today, someone extremely close to me started a nasty argument. During the course of this argument I was told that: I'm only doing what I'm doing to impress the "Brookstone Mom's." I have to elaborate on this because when this term gets thrown out, it's always said meanly. Some have joked about 'them' being desperate housewives of Columbus... I hear some of these other moms even call themselves that. But this 'desperate housewives' (drunk, rich, catty, drama) mentality is what got thrown at me. Apparently, someone else said the same spiteful thing about me to the person who said it to my face: THIS mom lives only to join the inner circle! I'm only trying to impress people so I can be part of their clique.
This has me incredibly upset for many reasons:
1) Why say Brookstone mom so nasty? I know some really nice one's. And uh, I'M a Brookstone Mom now.
2) So what if I want to hang out with some of them? I mean I expect to have my daughters at this school for their entire school lives... I should probably get to know some of them.
3) Just because I'm trying to play nice doesn't mean I'm trying to weasel into some coveted groupie spot. I owe some dues to Brookstone. Things weren't great for me when I went there. If I'm playing nice, it's for my reasons to know and it has nothing to do with trying to get people to like me.
4) Just because you work HARD at something doesn't mean you're vying for any one's attention. Just because I DO get attention doesn't mean I want it. Sometimes it's nice, but it kind of makes me uncomfortable.
5) I'm not trying to IMPRESS anyone. I'm trying to save myself. Sure it's probably not any better, but there's a very sad person who had a lot of shitty things happen to her hanging out in my head. Sometimes I think if I can just make a little piece of the world better, that might make me feel better. It usually doesn't and big surprise it draws a bit of negative attention.
6) Is it an age thing? I'm a first child who always gravitates to the 'adults' in the room. It's not that I'm trying to suck up or follow them around, I just feel more comfortable with people older than me. I'm not enjoying that because I feel trapped: Never accepted by my peers, never taken seriously by the elders.
7) I am lonely. I AM trying to make friends. I've got the wrong combination of everything: so-so book smarts, like zero street smarts, social leprosy, awkward, wallflower, this emotional blabbering (a la this blog)... I do what I do because I'm trying to find some people like me. I have and they always leave (see Arguments for Conformity) because that is life.
So I guess that's all I can really come up with to combat that statement right now. It's not the first time someone told me I'm 'just trying to impress those rich white people' (and can I ask, really... where does this crap statement come from? Last time I checked, I hang with people from all economic backgrounds and I sure don't belong to a country club).
I guess we just get to hear the things that hurt us most. Maybe it's a growing thing... maybe it's just a life thing... but tonight I'm pretty hurt about it. And please I don't want any consolation. I just really need to vent and because of all the reasons I've listed... this is just what I've got.
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