I have been reading Mo Anderson's A Joy Filled Life and Amanda Palmer's The Art of Asking... two books I probably need more now than ever in my life. I've been working hard since I got back to Columbus in 2004 to make my family happy, successful, and well rounded. Forget the deep psychological reasons why, I have always felt like I needed to help people and that was part of my strategy. Help people --> other stuff happens --> become happy, wealthy, and likable.
Clearly there were some loopholes in that plan.
Even more important, was being able to do it on my own... if (big IF) no one else could help. I don't see the point of starting something if I can't see it through.
I never intended to be a loner or the sole pillar of strength, focus, and stick-to-itiveness that completed the deal... it just sort of happened that way, a lot. It wasn't about being a shining star or anything, I just had this issue with leaving things undone. If someone HAD to do it, it could and would be me in every level of my life and home. I developed a high pain tolerance and deep understanding for the trials of others by carrying on in this manner, though I always put myself last. I felt pretty okay with my strategy and even the loneliness that comes in leadership at times.
So lets fast forward through some really tough-but-doable years where I did EXACTLY what I set out to do. I rocked some really awesome projects, finally finished my BA in something I loved, started getting noticed, sold a lot of real estate....
a n d t h e n c r a s h e d
2015 has been a whole lot of suck; everything was just, harder. I saw things through (and did have help when I really needed it) when it seemed like it would be barely possible. I kept going when it felt like I was running a literal gauntlet. I kept breathing when I felt like I was drowning. I kept pushing people up when everything was dragging me down... not unlike I have done before.
I kept thinking: "This too shall pass... it always does." "I'm used to things like this; I've faced harder." "Soon, you'll get a break. You'll laugh about it one day." "I always get back up again."
I have beautiful mantras I can say when the tears are flowing to keep me going; I do always get back up... so I kept fighting, until recently. In the last 6 weeks, I've been a basket case. I feel like my soul has depleted (that's a very uncomfortable, dark feeling if you've never experienced it).
I recognize I've done everything I can do. It's a very weird feeling knowing that my results are dependent on the efforts of others around me. There's a limit to what I can physically do in a day and my level of exhaustion has only risen as I've kept slogging through the challenges. It's just simply out of my hands, so I've stopped trying force it. I'm making it through the motions without a lot extra to give beyond the commitments I already made.
As much as that makes me feel horrible, it's all I can do right now. This is just a test. As Mo said:
"Tests don't go away just because you get to be 77 years old; they are a part of life...Take everything to God in prayer. Leave the burden, the anger, and the pain in His hands. I have learned to turn it over to Him because I am not smart enough, good enough or powerful enough to handle these things on my own."
Mo also talked about relationships and I haven't had time for people the way I've wanted. Kids get in the way... the kids' activities get in the way. MY goals and activities have gotten in the way... and though I have been grateful for every amazing person that's been in my life, I haven't been able to show it.
Thank you notes have gotten lost in piles; never sent. Casseroles were never delivered. Efforts that were made but just ended up wrong, because everything this year has just.gone.wrong. Unfulfilled lunch and dinner dates probably have people feeling like they're not important to me.
You are.
Someone pointed out that X,Y, & Z ended successfully, but because of circumstances involved in all of these things, there was no joy in success or completion. Nothing ended cleanly. I had no time to enjoy the rewards of my efforts.
And I found myself asking, like Amanda in The Art of Asking: Why do I keep doing these things to myself?" Why do I let myself get in over my head?
...and the answer is "Ah, beauty. Doesn't hurt enough yet."
Because if it doesn't hurt enough to change... you won't.
And so, that is where I am: pain... change... the chrysalis. Somewhere on the other side of this is better, stronger me. I know I'll get there; just mind the mess in the construction zone.
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