Dirty, Rotten, Liar!

****Momsavang note: This is one of the blog posts I wanted to make and never got around to for some reason or another at the end of last semester. Know that it's a bit dated.****

Everything Zen

I haven't been honest... with myself. I'm a dirty, rotten, liar! For as much as I try to preach a zen, calming point of view... an "everything happens when it should" point of view.... I'm absurdly impatient. I'm itching with all the projects that have gotten under my skin.

The BIG deal, that real estate exam that I've been dreading, the real estate exam that has made me sick with exhaustion; achy, frantic and fat(ter)-I've gained at least 5 lbs because I've lived, near immobile, in front of my computer for half the year... well it's over. So, the impatient maniac in me that can't take a break has already moved on to other things.

powdered student, just add water. Mix well

I must admit there is actually a problem here. I burnt out on my schoolwork. I'm mad over the issue with my minor (cancelled), I'm frustrated with male relations (stifling), almost angry at my inability to conjure code which doesn't matter with lack of access to the server anyway (maddening); and I've been crushed, pulled, tossed, and powdered into a soul that would rather drift with the wind than finish out this semester.

It's going to take a little will power to make it through this last bit (as if it hasn't already). The sad thing is that I'm enjoying the heck out of my subject matter (mostly), but I'm loathing the deadlines. I just don't have time to work out what I've seen, to compose the symphony that's been born of the suffering in our subjects. I am questioning multiple levels of society, how we view each other, how we construct reality of race, the ethical treatment of "others," overlapped with the powerful life experiences I just had visiting Thailand for the first time this summer. I have discovered something deep, but cannot put it into words.

.... and because there is a deadline... because I am tired... because my life is unsettled and I am energized by the novelty of a new achievement... I'm considering the easy, exciting path over the challenge of my courses and observations. That is the weakness of humanity, to choose the easy path.

Inevitably, I expect a few sleepless nights a little later on this week because that passing grade will move me beyond my apathy. I'm just not there yet and, to be quite honest, I'm mad that it will take a late night deadline to make me move... but I have deserved a break. I need to do what lies before me and my desire to pursue novelty has a secondary effect of benefiting my family, and they come before school. I'm just ready to finish and it has been too long in getting there.

I still have that fire in my gut that is pushing me beyond where I am... telling me to GO! GO! GO! and get away from the safety of this place... to see the world as others choose not to see it. But I am confined, for at least a little bit longer, in the decisions I have made and the path that I have chosen. I can't move forward until I finish this stage. Maybe I will get to see a little more of this world, but not with the freedom with which I hope to explore it.

Ah, the trouble is that my dreams are greater than my wallet right now. My dreams are greater than my ability to move, to succeed, and to pursue; so much of life is about patience that we don't have. I will try to be content with what I've got for now... but until I accomplish this simple, yet impossible feat of contentment, I will suffer at my own hand hoping to meet my deadlines and the ever accelerating world of free knowledge in my field.

Final weeks of Fall Semester 2012 winding down....