Never one to learn the easy way

even on vacation...

       I wish I was one of those people who could do things the easy way - I hear they exist - or I at least wish I could learn "the first time." Sometimes it feels like I am embodying the definition of insanity "trying to do the same thing over and over expecting different results." This living the hard way is exhausting. Don't get me wrong the successes are always amazing... if you can get to them... but mostly it's a lot of fighting, pushing through the mud, with very little grace, or thanks, or sense of accomplishment. I think that's why I've always felt an affinity to Sisyphus. That's a guy I can get even though I hate existentialism. -Is it possible to be an optimistic realist in an existential existence? Maybe that's what I'm living.

      As my daily boulder crashed down the hill this morning, I had a realization: Maybe there is a lesson in this after all. I do different things but practice the same level of chaos, and it's because I have my chaos balanced in such a precarious way... the slightest upset brings me to a screeching halt... well not really. Nothing stops -ever- I just end up sleeping less and crying more desperate tears as deadlines approach. So what can I do? I can't just dump everything. I'm already trying to thin some obligations, but then some fantastic opportunity comes my way and I feel like I NEED to take it. I think maybe I'll take one class instead of two (down from attempting 3 in one semester a couple of years ago) but then I see how close I am to the finish line and think that if I can cross it then this crazy hell will stop. See how none of this is working out, it's self-sabotage for sure...

So I think it's just about compromising with myself. Next spring I'm going to try to make sure I have one day off a week from work - from stuff - to either go work out, get homework done or clean the house. Doesn't sound like much of a break, but in my unreasonable world these are the things I need: I need health, order, breathing room. I need to plant my garden again and have food to grow at home. I need time to prep a meal or freeze a few. I need a day off without the kids where I might be able to sneak off to lunch with my husband or just be at home by myself. I just need a day.

Sisyphus Sleeping by Michael Bergt

Of course these simple changes always sound brilliant in my head and I end up mucking it up anyway... back to the same routine, back to my boulder.

 But I'm an optimist, maybe I can do it.

I'm a realist; it will be hard.

And I'm an existentialist in denial... because one day I'm going to get this rock over that hill.

But until then I'm  just trying to find a little sleep and a little hope to get me over the next cliff.